Body Dysphormic Disorder – A mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance.
BDD (Body Dysphormic Disorder) is rarely talked about.
What happened to me, was I had been messing with my teeth and scrutinizing myself in the mirror, and the next thing you know my jaw hurts. And, since my jaw hurt I thought i had made my face asymmetrical. Messed my face up.
My jaws looked uneven.
it was intense.
It’s like all the confidence I had for my face went out the window when I saw that my face was asymmetrical, I thought I was ugly. It was like basic training for me, it was like the BDD was tearing me down but at the same I had to build myself back up.
It was like YOU or ME amplified. Like every time I looked in the mirror, BDD was staring back at me and saying, “You are either gonna let ME ruin your life, or YOU are going to overcome this bump in your life.”
I had to make a decision.
It was like I was Narcissus (and I would stare at my face for hours) and I still wouldn’t be happy about my face. The breaking point I would compare to is when Narcissus had fallen into the water. I felt as if I I’d fallen into a dark ocean of water and was drowning… but when I went to therapy, got pills, and accepted my face for what it was. I saw that my face hadn’t always been perfect before this. That it’d always been a little asymmetrical. But that not everyone is perfect. Not even models or celebrities.
I’m starting to see myself as beautiful again. Slowly but surely.
I’d dealt with it for 3-4 months. It wasn’t long. But boy, it felt long.
Yeah it’s a process, and I might not look at myself the same as I had before. But that’s not a bad thing. I’ve learned from it. And I can say I have more confidence about myself than I did before.
Besides it’s not about how you saw yourself before, it’s about how it’s transformed you and made you a better person now than you were before whatever bad thing had come into your life.
I don’t know, but I have feeling that when I see my as beautiful again. That I won’t feel 100% beautiful but 115% beautiful (inside and out). Counting from the stuff I’ve learned along this journey and things have accomplished and better’d myself at.